Kerasnya HATI

Cinta...
Mengapa sukar untuk mengerti?
Hadirnya, tak berbunyi.
Rupanya, tak mengenali.
Tiba-tiba jer terjatuh hati.

Hati...
mengapa sukar tuk bersapa?
kasih dan cinta diberi, tiada setara.
demimu, sanggup berkorban apa saja,
asalkan kau bahagia.
tapi, maengapa masih sukar tuk menerima?

Bahagia...
Ya, aku bahagia.
Diperlakukan bak puteri diraja.
semua kehendakku ditunaikan jua.
Senyumku, tawaku, sakitku, amarahku, semua diterima.
Andai ini bahagia,
mengapa masih jiwa meronta, kosong tak bersuara?

Gara-gara cinta sebelumnya.

CINTA = SAYANG = LOVE

SAYANG = CINTA? kalau SAYANG dan CINTA memberikan pengkadaran maksud yg sama, what's with the existence of both words today?? nape x boleh wat 1 term jer, mcm LOVE. huHu~ no other big word can describe em.

Mak aku kata, SAYANG dan CINTA adalah sama. Mak aku juga pernah bertanya, macammana bila kita bercinta dengan seseorang, boleh timbulnya perasaan SAYANG, tapi tak CINTA? Perasaan itu boleh dijangka kah? macam termometer pulak nak ade takat-takat suhu perasaan.

Apa perbezaan SAYANG dan CINTA? In english, when you said I LOVE YOU, what does it mean actually, in Malay? Boleh jadi Saya cinta kamu or Saya sayang kamu, betul tak? So, it means that both words are being treated the same when we spoke in english. am I right? Bagi aku.. SAYANG dan CINTA are two different words with their own meanings. Tapi, how to differentiate them? haaa.. tu aku tak tau. Semua ini berkenaan dengan hati. Hanya hati orang yang pernah menyayangi dan mencintai je dapat bezakan perasaan tu. Sama seperti apa yang hati aku rasakan sekarang.

Orang kata daripada MINAT, bertukar SUKA, berganti SAYANG, menimbulkan CINTA. senang untuk menyayangi semua orang, tapi susah untuk mencintai seseorang. Dan ternyata amat sukar untuk melupakan seseorang yang pernah kita cintai setulus hati.

So, try to remember the next time you said or heard "I LOVE YOU", what exactly did you meant by that? Is it cinta or sayang? That's why aku lebih prefer mengungkapkannya dalam bahasa ibunda.

Notakaki: Yang mana hadir dulu dalam hati, SAYANG atau CINTA?

I HATE THIS FEELING.

i hate him.

i hate her.

i hate them.

but,

i love him. =(

yet, i'm not his.

i can't accept when everyone congratulate him for having her.

i couldn't bear their pics together

but, it's even unbearable for me not to look, =(

wishing that something different might turn up sometime.

why did he post them up in the 1st place?

was it as a proof of him that he has moved on?

as a warning?

as a ticket for me not stepping one step closer in his life?

a way of making me jealous n regret?

a token to take his revenge on me?

or this.. or that??

so many different scenarios running in this small head of mine.

still, i never got the answer.

i'm afraid to ask..

yes. we always let the sleeping dogs lie..

coz we both knew,

how certain and curious we might,

n how true what we thought d answers might be..

be that as it may..

we can't bear knowing da truth.

experience thought us, third times a charm.

so, we kept on beating around d bush all dis while.

i always wonder..

how she made him laugh?

lightened his day?

being his shoulder to cry on?

can she make him smile n laugh like i did?

can she soothes him like i do?

can she be his instant-moodchange when he's sober like i used to?

is their love is as pure as ours?

not lead by greed,lust,or whatsoever.

i got the best of both worlds,

how can i choose which is d apple of my eye. =(

TO LOVE, OR BE LOVED?

TO BE WITH THE ONE YOU LOVE?

OR BE WITH THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU??

I'm caught in between a rock n a hard place.

resentful by da actions i took, decisions i made,

it's a taste of my own medicine.

i dun want both of them ever had any gut feeling.

Irrationally speaking..

They are both too good too be true,

that I might not end up with either of them. =(

i'm a witch in disguise.

as greedy n envy as d step-mother of snow white ,

for only wanting her beauty to be fairest in da land.

THEY BOTH DESERVE BETTER.

n let me be an old maiden. =(

MY MISTAKE to begin with.

I created all dis mess.

so, it's mine n mine only to endure.

[[so many more to write,

but, so little time had left.

TO BE CONT.]]

birthday yg menyakitkan..

Today.. genap umor aku 21 tahun.. nk kater suker..mmg tak sker langsung. sbb aku makin tua.. waaa~ xsker! well.. ape yg aku nak story, bukan psl nie.. ikutilah kisah selanjutnyer... jeng3x.. ari ni, aku celebrate birthday kat SJMC, shortform for Subang Jaya Medical Centre. YES! it's a hospital.. huHu~ betapa xbestnyer celebrate kat hospital.. A day before dat, aku bosan giler.. xder org temankan aku.. bosan nak mati.. at last, bout 1030 pm, my whole family came (except for Salman who's at MMU, Melaka). 1st time my sibblings looked at my face after da operation. operation aper?? I've got my 1st operation, n it happens to be sinus operation. sinus = resdung.. kot! not quite sure.. but, mine da teruk. sampai bernanah².. maybe becoz of my cough n flu yg xbaik² for three months, then after dat, timbul lak severe headache time pekser.. abis jer final xm, terus gi cek doc.. tu yg kene wt operation. 

(Edited on 25/09/22, clearing my draft which took me ages to continue writing the post and most likely lost track and now, reading this back... It kinda reminiscing that time of event, yet in the end of the day, what I can say is, I love my family & love spending times with them =) 

oh and while we are on this topic and hoping if he'll ever read this, I really love to that my now husband (then, a friend) came visits me too on my birthday)

UNISEL

2003.. Berakhirnye zaman persekolahan, aku pun membesarkan badan jer kat umah! haHa~ sampai skang still tak meletup² lagi(biler laa agaknyer tue..huHu~).. Aku tak active like kat skolah dulu, memerap jer kat umah.. nak kejer, but I'm scared! Until laa aku diterime masuk ke UNISEL(Universiti Industri Selangor). Bulan Mei or Jun rasernye time tu, so bermulalah cerita aku kat tempat baru.

UNISEL.. aku ditawarkan utk amik jurusan engineering foundation. Tu pun atas jasa baik kwn lamer abah, yg kebetulan seorg Prof. kat situ. Aku tau psl UNISEL pun from Aie. Aie ni kwn aku start dr SMTMS lagi. Actually, we were in the same class from form 4 till form 5, but our friendship tak serapat cam aku ngan Ejoi. Aku lebih byk spendkan maser dgn Ejoi and Jamat(kwn yg dok sebelah aku).
So, aku kat UNISEL until now.. maser muler² masuk dulu, aku rapat dgn Ikah(my beloved cousin). Ramai yg salah anggap kitorg ni twins. Dr SMTMS lagi. Actually, Ikah was in da same school time form 4 dulu, but moved to SMT Bintulu, Sarawak time form 5. So, aku sebilik ngan dier, and aper² pun dgn dier.. memandangkan kelas aku tak ramai girls(rasenye 12 org jer girls). But, until laa suatu waktu tue, die dah jumpe kwn baru(Kemn), and muler mengabaikan aku. Time tu life aku penuh dgn perasaan hasad, dengki, cemburu, sedih, and so on.. coz slamer ni aku berkwn dgn Ikah jer, tak terfikir nak baik ngan org lain. so, biler dier dah tinggalkan aku terumbang-ambing, keseorangan.. aku have no choice, but to change my lifestyle. Aku muler rapat dgn classmates.. Aku dah tak tumpukan pd seorg kwn jer.. and supaya aku tak disakiti lagi, aku tanak ader bestfren pompuan.
Then, aku kenal dgn classmates aku yg lain.. Aku muler bergaul dgn sumorg.

1st step, BoW~

Aku taktau naper aku start blog nie.. aku bukannyer sker sgt nak wat blog.. sbb.. malas.. huhu.. lgpun, tak reti nak tulis aper.. i dun have da humor inside me. Maybe blog nii akan jadi suatu yg memboringkan, so for whoever yg terdatang ke page ni, THERE IS A TURNING BACK! I want this blog to be juz for me.. tp, saper yg tak kisah nak bacer blog yg ke-bosan-an tahap angker, dipersilakan! Don't say I didn't warn you!
Skang ni, aku kat depan pc(mmg laa kan..). Jam menunjukkan kul 2.47pm. kat sekeliling aku, kosong! takder org(ader..my family sumer kat depan, mengadap tv.. tp, tv yg tgk dorg.huhu..) sekosong-kosong jiwa aku skang ni.. but, despite that, ader bau buah quini! Quini = tergolong dlm mangoes family.
Tetibe aku tringat kat lagu Dewa - Kosong. Naper aku raser kosong? Kosong? Dlm word english-nye, EMPTY! Aku pun tatau.. can sumbody tell me? hmm.. It's all started when I read his blog. That's why I create mine.. Aku nak cerita semuanye.. segala-galanya. supaya dia faham. but, he'll not come here, coz he doesn't know.
Nanti laa aku story,k! aku raser suasana petang camni.. tak seswai nak luahkan feeling. Tgklaa mlm nanti.. tu pun kalo pc ni tak kosong! biaserlaa.. I'm not da only child!
Chow~

My 1st step,
HELLO EVERYONE! Anybody?!! I'm alone..